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Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
 
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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Ask not what my balls can do for SnuggleBuni41
Posted:Jul 9, 2012 5:14 pm
Last Updated:Jul 10, 2012 4:10 pm
53565 Views
Its time to set the record straight . Recently I asked every to observe a moment of silence in honor of my balls , and there were those (who shall remain nameless) who questioned what my balls had done for them lately , and then went on to proffer that in fact they had done nothing .

As always I respect the opinion of my fellow humans , but nonetheless I strongly disagree . I present for your consideration the three things my balls have done for you lately .

Firstly I used my balls to derail a train heading from Lead , South Dakota to Fort Smith , Arkansas . Now derailing a train probably doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should be praised - what with the destruction and death and whatnot - but would it make you see things in a different light if you knew that this train was full of hot pants ?

"But 40 , I love hot pants ! They commonly have an inseam length of 2 inches or less and they are meant to emphasize the buttocks and the legs ! Why would you want to stop such a thing ?"

I'm glad you asked . You see the creator of the so called hot pant (if it can so be called) is Mary Quant . The SAME Mary Quant who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated redcoats during the War of Independence . And don't give me that old line about Benedict Arnold , that's poppycock . I was performing an act of civil disobedience in keeping with highest patriotic tradition of the Boston Tea Party (the thing , not the porno) .

Secondly , my left ball recently made a substantial to the Life Council . Which now that I think about it totally sounds like a slang term for knocking someone up .

Thirdly , recently when Voltron was needed to battle Space Pirates and the black lion (which contains the head) was busy , my balls stepped in and filled the role admirable . You know what scares Space Pirates more than Voltron ? Volron with testicles instead of a head . I can't blame them really .

I believe I've made my point .

In other news , according to a guy ranting at work today its Obama's fault his girlfriend won't blow him . I never thought anyone would get blamed for stuff more than old George W , but I think I'm wrong . Didn't anyone pay attention in civics class ? The president is basically a powerless figurehead - the true authority rests with the legislature . So if you're not getting head don't blame Obama , write your congressman .

And since yesterday's fake was so popular ;

3 Comments
Naked tennis , its what's for dinner
Posted:Jul 8, 2012 9:47 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2012 3:14 pm
55912 Views


You know now that I think about it that "Beef it's what for dinner" campaign might have been by the Iowa beef council so a lot of you probably don't get that reference . Trust me its fucking hilarious . Also for the record the Iowa pork council has official declared my junk the other "other" white meat .

Anyway , on with my story . Yesterday was one of my buddies birthday celebration , and even though I'm Jehovah's Most Secret Witness I went . Normally I avoid social events but I figure once a month I should remind people I'm still alive . Tennis Girl was also there and around the time she was officially shit-faced (I think around beer # 67 and an oz of weed) she said to me that if I took one set from her this morning she'd play a game nude (normally she beats me in straight sets) .

Being stone cold sober as I have for every moment of my life I was heard to remark "sure" . After all , there's no down side for me . Also I guess there was a time in my life when I was "high" . They pumped me full of enough morphine to kill a wild boar when I was in the hospital once . Didn't work , I was still in agony . By the way when the nurse asks you if you're ready for your catheter the answer is "no" .

So , 7 AM this morning the match begins . I was playing pretty well . She was playing a little below par - I assume because she was hung over as hell . I win the first set 7-5 . Now I should mention that the place we normally play was all full up , so we were playing at a single court at a park tucked back basically nowhere . I've been playing there three years semi-regularly and I've never seen another soul there ever . I'm sure if we had been at our normal place she wouldn't have ponied up , but since we were there she made good and stripped down for the first game of the second sent .

Being the gentlemanly fellow that I am , I followed suit . Which really isn't like me at all , I'm not really the adventurous type , but I do enjoy being nude . I've never really been naked outside before , I mean a backyard pool doesn't really count does it ? I did want to go to a clothing optional beach once but my girlfriend at the time wouldn't go for it . Which I found a little surprising because she was pretty freaky .

I learned that being naked outside makes me have an instantaneous raging hard erection . Which is good because it would be hard to play with your stuff flopping all around . We played the entire second set naked (I won 6-2 I assume because she was distracted by my thunder) and a good time was had by all . I have to say , there were some times where it reminded me of that zombie stripper running in slow motion at the beginning of Zombieland . That's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life by the way .

I was curious what penalty would have befallen us if we had been caught . None apparently ;

A person who exposes the person's genitals or pubes to another not the person's spouse, or who commits a sex act in the presence of or view of a third person, commits a serious misdemeanor, if:

1. The person does so to arouse or satisfy the sexual desires of either party; and

2. The person knows or reasonably should know that the act is offensive to the viewer.

So here in the great state of Iowa you can walk around nude all you want as long as its not to arouse anyone . Which I don't see how you can prove that in a court of law . I'm burning all my pants tomorrow . My pal who went to law school did mention in a lot of places the public nudity laws are pretty screwed up and you can more or less get away with anything as long as you're actually having sex .

But getting back to the party , we were all outside playing kubb most of the time and as it has been for the past FOREVER days it was hot as hell . Just to make sure everyone was up to date on the condition of my balls I mentioned how sweaty they were at one point . To which the replay came ;

"I have more important things to think about than your balls ."

To which I retorted ;

"NOTHING is more important than my balls ."

Good times . But if got me to thinking , my balls really don't get the credit their due . So take a moment today , pause and reflect , spend a minute in quiet contemplation of my balls and all they've done for this great nation of ours . Thank you
12 Comments
Tomb of the perpetually cool adolescents
Posted:Jul 5, 2012 4:45 pm
Last Updated:Jul 9, 2012 4:43 pm
54155 Views
Why isn't there a TV show about vampire lawyers yet ? Or magical doctors ? These fads are just about at the end of their life cycle , why isn't the dumb stuff cropping up yet ? One time a friend of mine said I should watch Tru Blood because it was "good" . They aren't my friend anymore .

Here in the great state of Iowa its been pretty hot lately , so it was only a matter of time before the power went out . It happened last night . The bad news ? The heat index was 903 degrees . The good news ? The heat index is total bullshit . Its kind of like the wetness index for rain . Its going to rain 2 inches tomorrow , but its going to FEEL like 3 , unless you have an umbrella - then its going to feel like less . Anyway , while I was sweating my balls off reading on the porch I started to wonder "At what point to I eat all the ice cream to keep it from melting ?" Eating a gallon of ice cream probably not a great idea for me , but then again , waste not want not right ? (That is also total BS)

Thankfully the power came back on before I started shoveling ice cream in my facehole , but it got me thinking about saving ice cream . I see a lot of people with those stickers that say "Fire rescue , this a inside , please rescue" or something to that effect . Sidenote I call BS on that too , why should a firefighter have to risk their life to save an animal ? I love my cat but if he's trapped in a burning house I don't expect anyone to go in after him (except me) . Anyway , the point is I want a sticker that reads "Fire rescue , ice cream inside , please save !"

I'm finally caught up on Breaking Bad - the finale of the last season was a doozy . I didn't think that show could surprise me anymore , but manzeer was I wrong . Helpful hint - don't eat Lily of the Valley berries . Its actually not a bad idea to leave any berries you find out in nature alone . Actually , just leave nature alone entirely .

Where was I ? Oh , right , the Tru Blood thing . That former friend also asked me my advice on buying a home . I work in the mortgage industry for those of you keeping score at home (and yes I am a dirtbag) . I try not to give advice (like it says in the bible) but there is one thing I will say . Yes , it is harder to get a mortgage now than a few years ago , but that's like saying its harder now to buy weed than it was a few years ago . Its still pretty damn easy . Here's how mortgage lending worked in 2006 ;

Broker - Hey homeless bum , do you want to borrow a million dollars ?

Homeless bum - Potato salad !

Broker - Sounds like a yes to me , I'll just fill out and sign the paperwork for you .

And then they'd roll out the money cannon and start blasting away . I really wish all those people would go to jail . But they won't . To even the nice prisons with the consensual ass pounding .

Speaking of dumb work related stuff , someone is threatening to take us to small claims court for $1200 . Which is funny because I'm sure the legal costs will be around $1150 . I hate small claims court a lot . I went there a couple times when I had my comic shop . Its the worst place ever . Thinking of the DMV , only 700 times slower , you get punched in the face every few minutes , and there's a cactus in your underwear . I remember waiting for our "turn" one time , sitting there in my coat and tie and looking at a dude wearing assless chaps and a cowboy hat (nothing else) . That sums up small claims court right there .

Why was I there you (probably didn't) ask ? Because comic book disturbers love two things - stealing your money and sending you the wrong shit . They love it a lot .

Anyway , I'm contractually obligated to talk about comics now that I've mentioned it . Starfox is widely considered one of the dumbest superheroes ever ;



That's him , looking dumb . His power is "Starfox can psionically stimulate the pleasure centers in people's brains" which as far as fighting crime goes is pretty worthless . Its not that much different from ;

"Stop robbing that old lady or I'll give you an great blowjob !"

So he sucks as a superhero . BUT , in the really real world that would absolutely be the best power ever . Even if you didn't use it to get rich you'd be the world's greatest lover .

And finally , this . I was chatting up a lady today and our conversation turned to Pawn Stars , because there is no better form of courtship than talking about TV right ? (by courtship I mean trying to see a naked lady) Which reminded me that when I was in college I used to go to the pawn shop all the time - they were some really get deals there . If you live in a college town you owe it to yourself to go . I got a playstation for $20 , a nice TV for $10 , and a couple lamps just for taking them out of the place . If you think there's something college won't pawn for beer money you're dead wrong .

I feel like of bad about that , profiting off their stupidity and what not , but not very bad .
5 Comments
My first interview (or maybe second) !
Posted:Jul 2, 2012 5:11 pm
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2012 3:23 pm
53622 Views

The government hates sick people . With the historic decision on to uphold the Affordable Care Act , the Supreme Court has effectively given Obama the authority to wipe his fancy loafers all over your constitutional right to be ill . If you are sick and he finds out , he'll try to change you , he'll try to make you healthy like everyone else , Obama and his cronies will try to turn you into another cog in the machine of well-being . Before long you won't even be able to take showers in your own home without the government kicking down the door with some prescription-strength dandruff shampoo . Is that what you want ? The government watching you shower ? Because that's your future , Bucko .

The new health care reform law ensures that every American has health insurance and that insurance companies can't discriminate against people with preexisting conditions or drop people who become sick while covered . Essentially it's designed to allow everyone the health care they need , whether they can afford it or not . On the surface this all seems reasonable ; that is , until you cut through the glossy veneer to the heart of the matter , forcing it to bleed out the ugly truth , as I have with my journalistic scalpel . Below is the full , unedited interview I did with someone close to the issue: a doctor . He is a licensed physician who is in favor of the ACA , and I think you'll find that thanks to my hard-hitting questions , even his best efforts to dress up the new law reveal how flawed it actually is . I don't mean to insist that he's an idiot by any means , but if , say , an ex-girlfriend of mine/current wife of his happened to read this and see my intellectual maturity and superiority over a god damn doctor , then I wouldn't fault her for running back to me . That's just biological imperative .

Me: Thanks for inviting me over .

That Doctor: We both know I didn't . You insisted it be here .

Me: Thank you , you too . Listen , before we get started , there are just some preliminary questions I have to ask you to give my readers some context .

That Doctor: The readers of your little blog ?

Me: What type of doctor are you ?

That Doctor: I'm an internist.

Me: What does that mean ? You just get coffee for real doctors ?

That Doctor: Not an intern . An internist . I focus on the prevention and treatment of diseases .

Me: Do you deal with insurance companies regularly ?

That Doctor: I do . I would say about 90 percent of the patients I see are insured .

Me: Great . And do you have any comment on the rumor that the loose skin on your neck looks a little like a testicle sack ?

That Doctor: . ..

Me: . . .

That Doctor: I made the rules under which I would do this interview very clear .

Me: It's important for the readers of my little blog to have an accurate picture of you in their minds . I've heard that people sometimes equate the folds and coloration of your ears to labia , do you think that's a fair assessment ?

That Doctor: No one has ever said that .

Me: I just did .

That Doctor: So the Affordable Care Act .

Me: Ugh , what about it ?

That Doctor: I don't know . This is your interview . Do you agree with it ?

Me: Do you ?

That Doctor: Yes .

Me: Then no , I hate it .

That Doctor: I'm sorry to hear that .

Me: What's so great about it anyway ?

That Doctor: Well to start , 30 million people who couldn't previously get affordable health insurance will have it now . That's not just exciting news for sick people , it's also a huge step for preventative care in this country . I think there are a lot of people who are already insured who think this will hurt them in some way , when it won't . It removes lifetime and annual limits , no one can be dropped just for getting sick . It's all upsides , even for people on Medicare , it give seniors a discount on prescri - What are you doing ?

Me: Jesus , you're nosy . I'm just going through your drawers , detective . Is that illegal ? I think this letter opener is mine .

That Doctor: That one ? With my initials on it .

Me: Yeah , I can just go ask her if she accidentally took it with her . Your wife . I used to see her naked , you know . I bet she could clear up this whole letter opener mess right now . Is she home ?

That Doctor: She's not here .

Me: Hmm . Probably for the best . The fire is still too hot to touch I guess .

That Doctor: I knew this was going to be a waste of time .

Me: I'm going to take it just in case . If it turns out to be yours , she can just come pick it up at my place . Anytime . My weeks are pretty open . Tell her that .

That Doctor: Why don't you tell me what is it you hate about the ACA ?

Me: It's gross . If everyone can afford to get treatment then I have to share my doctor with poor people . How is she going to have any time to see me when I think one of my knees might be pointier than the other if she's always busy cutting tumors out of homeless people and making eyeglasses for runaway ?

That Doctor: Alright . OK . I can only really rebut about 30 percent of what you just said because the rest was nonsense . I think what you're saying is that as an insured , healthy person , you won't see any of the benefit , only the side effects , right ? But plenty of healthy people will still benefit from this new law . My wife for instance -

Me: It sounds filthy when you say it .

That Doctor: On average women have to pay significantly more than men for health insurance . It's blatant sexual discrimination, but it's a result of women going to a doctor more frequently than yo - well , than most men . The job of an insurance company is the same as any other company , they have to make money . So my wife pays 30 percent more than I do for insurance and now that she's pregnant , her insurance is refusing to cover her maternity benefits . What's the point of even having insurance if they can just refuse it like that ? Well , under ACA that discrimination would be illeg -

Me: Shut your god damn mouth .

The Doctor: What ?

Me: How ?!

That Doctor: . . .

Me: . . .

That Doctor: I'm not sur -

Me: What ?!

That Doctor: Is this about the pregnancy ?

Me: How ?!

That Doctor: Are you sure you want me to answer that ?

Me: Did you force her ?

That Doctor: Of course not . Are you . . . are you counting in your head right now ?

Me: What's the longest a woman has ever been pregnant for ? Are there three-and-a-half-year pregnancies ?

That Doctor: It's not yours . That would be impossible .

Me: Well , don't smile when you say it ! This is bad . This is really bad .

That Doctor: So anyway , with the health care reform law , she -

Me: Fuck health care reform . What's expensive in here ? This thing , this lamp thing , is this expensive ?

That Doctor: Why ?

Me: Because I need to break something important to you before I pass out from anger .

That Doctor: I think this interview is over .

Me: Jesus , this has got to be the strongest lamp ever created .

That Doctor: I feel sorry for any of your readers who were genuinely looking for information about the law . This has been the worst interview I've - will you please put that down .

Me: Why don't you make me , sack neck !

And just like that our interview ended . In a lot of ways my visit with the doctor was a good metaphor for what the American people can expect when looking for care under the new law . We will all , sadly , get sick at some point , and when that influx of patients is so overwhelming for physicians , instead of finding comfort and healing from the health care system , instead we will find that it has secretly impregnated our ex-girlfriends. Don't be surprised either when it throws you out the front door of its house and skins your knee really badly on the steps . Thanks a lo t, Obama .
2 Comments
4th of July is just around the corner
Posted:Jul 1, 2012 8:13 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2012 3:42 pm
53864 Views

I posted this back when no one read my blog - I think its funny enough for repost now for the 4 of you who do read it now .

"You're 230 years old nation , but that's only 32 in years - but you'd be dead because dogs don't live that long ."

Stephen Colbert

On this day in 1776 America was born (the country , not the band) everyone knows that . But did you also know that only a few months later sex was invented ? Its true . And it was invented right here in the USA despite what many people would have you believe . In your face Ottoman Empire ! Its unknown how people procreated before sex was invented but it didn't involve sex so no one cares . "But Deuce people have been having sex for literally millions of years ." You shut your piehole tubby - that is a filthy lie and I'll thank you not to declare things that we both know are obvious fabrications . In truth though there is a lot of confusion about the true origin of sex and I'm here to clear things up for everyone .

The story of where , when, and how sex was invented is a long and boring one (kind of like the actual sexual practice of handjobs) but the who and the why are pretty neat . Sex was invented by an mixed blood Egyptian , Eskimo , Abenaki native fellow called Snazzy Gojo Bagojo - which I can only assume is a "nickname" . It was created as a way to honk off the British and boy oh boy did it work . If there's one thing British people hate its sex (and dental hygiene) . Some people say that it was the war with France that cause Britain to lose the war of Independence but those people are stupid . The real reason was SGB and his crazy new invention sexual intercourse . It drove the British right off . There would be the redcoats trying to fire their muskets and George Washington would be across the way giving the high hard one to Betsy Ross - it was more than they could endure .

Of course at this time the penis and the vagina did not exist as we knew them . Sex was achieved by way of a rotating bladder-like appendage called the octomanere (the man sex thing) and a net-like system of nervous webbing called the hajjimasloop (the female sexual organ) . And often heard sexual cry of the time would go something like "Forsooth , rotate your octy in my hajji good sir , rotate it counterclockwise til the cows doth comest home ." It was by no means a pretty or enjoyable experience but it served its purpose - allowing our boys to put some good American boot to limey Brit ass .

The next big breakthrough in American sexual history came when the vagina was imported from Italy in 1801 . It was in no way compatible with the octomanere but as then president Thomas Jefferson commented upon the public debut of the first American pussy "I don't know what that is , but I like it ." So the race was on to invent a compatible sexual organ to the vagina . The first promising contender was the anti-vagina which was simply a vagina turned inside out and stiffed with boiled leather . The project fell apart though when the sole possessor of an American vagina was heard to comment "You want to put that thing WHERE ?" It was used successfully one some French ladies but no one cared .

The next big idea in the vagina compatibility race was the Legraham Linlcon (after which one of our greatest presidents was later named) . It was merely a third leg placed above the buttocks , but with 6 equal length toes that were prehensile . This proved serviceable for a while but it was discovered that it was used more of leaning back than sex and was playing havoc with the US chair industry . Eventually the penis was invented by some drunken German dude in the Wyoming territories and the world was never the same again . Some historian maintain that Native peoples had been using the penis for centuries but there's no strong proof of that contention - although it seems logical enough .

The first penises were crude by today's standards being the shape of Christmas trees , the size of ballpoint pens and still possessing the rotating features of the octomanere - which people enjoyed but had the unfortunate tendency to cause the penis to burst into flames (which people didn't enjoy nearly as much) . Of course the orgasm had yet to be discovered so most people weren't too observant about sex - it was mostly a Christmas and Easter thing .

The next big innovation in American sex came from (sigh) France . In 1886 France gave us the statue of liberty in recognition of total American awesomeness . President Grover Cleveland said "So the fuck what ?" And caught off guard the French revealed to him the secret process of anal sex . When the new sex was announced American women commented "This sounds like trouble" while 1 in 11 American men said "Hmmm . . . . ." Of course women didn't have the right to vote at this time so the general political opinion of their concerns was "fuck them - the ass preferably" .

I could go on and on , but I'm dancing around the real issue here . The male orgasm was invented in 1912 as part of the effort to stay out of WWI (which was then known as Fight Club - and nobody talked about it) . And it worked until 1914 when people realized that it was easier to get sex when you told people you were going off to war . So that kind of backfired . Now comes the weird part . The female orgasm was invented in 1989 by me . But I had my first sexual contact only days ago . The only rational explanation for this is that at some point in the future I will invent time travel and go back to 1986 and give Kelly McGillis the first lady orgasm ever . Why I would do this is a mystery . I mean now women kind of expect is - so I kind of ruined things for men everywhere . Sorry .

No one knows how I got that first lady orgasm to come about - for that matter no one still knows that causes a woman to climax . My own personal theory is that it has something to do with celestial bodies , advanced mathematics , and Cosmo magazine . The best anyone can do is to just close their eyes and hope for the best . 9 times out of 10 you will fail but those are similar odds to a lion taking down a water buffalo so don't feel too bad . Plus , in a shocking display of kindness most of those times the lady in question will pretend like it happened - especially if you picked up the check at dinner . You'll both know that it didn't but its easier to just pretend .

And who knows what the future will hold for sex in America ? What new and improved sexual organs will be invented ? Will the nostril or eardrum ever become mainstream orifices ? Will women's eyes move to their breasts ? Will they grow mattresses on their backs ? Will the penis evolve vibrating capabilities ? Will lesbians grow tongues long enough to please themselves ? All these questions will be answered in the fullness of time .

But here's on question that will be answered right now -

Wildnsassy3 in Winnipeg writes

"Whatever happened to deuces 1-39 ?"

Well thanks for your concern sassy , but most of that information is classified . What I can say is that they died a heroes death defending the country that they love - Panama .

40Deuce fun fact : Due to a malfunctioning time machine and a faulty condom I am my own great-great-great grandfather . I think I was trying to nail Cleopatra , but accidents happen in the dark .
3 Comments
The bad thing about learning telepthy is you find out how boring everyone is
Posted:Jun 30, 2012 8:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2012 8:04 am
53515 Views
When I was a I used to wonder sometimes if everyone in the world had telepathy but me - and they just didn't say anything about it because they didn't want to hurt my feelings . That really bothered me at times . But now , as an adult I realize there's no way that's true , because ;

1. Lots of people are totally cool with hurting my feelings

2. If people could read my mind I'm sure I would have been locked up years go

I typically don't buy into dream interpretation , I admit that obviously some dreams are expression of our subconscious - for instance I had a reoccurring dream here I'm back in college , I'm late for class , but I can't find the classroom . That's pretty obvious . But in general I don't think dreams mean jack . For instance last night I dreamed I was in a tag team wrestling match with Randy "Macho Man" Savage (may he rest in peace) against two old ladies . At first I was trying to take it easy on them because they were old and ladies , but they kept no-selling all my moves and then taunting me . So I started bringing out the heavy stuff , but it was the same result - had no effect and they cruelly mocked me . After one particularly devastating jacknife inverted exploder suplex which didn't do anything to old lady #2 I turned to the ref and said ;

"Why isn't this working ?"

He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Don't you know wrestling is fake ?"

Tell me that's a dream with a hidden meaning .

In other news one of my co-workers (one of the few I like) just got back to work after having a breast enhancement . Normally I'm all for this (although I've heard they feel weird) but in this case it's truly terrible . This lady is skinny as fuck , if you'll excuse my French , and there's a very good reason nature made her flat as a board . Honestly she looks ridiculous now , kind of like a walking candy apple - only the apple is boobs .

An actual 100% real photo



I've heard that most women who have implants usually go back to have them made BIGGER . If that's the case here I'm pretty sure 77% of her body weight is going to be titty . Which is a little bit too much .

Speaking of work , I got an e-mail the other day with a "hilarious" typo , it was regarding our new "Human Head of Resources" . I laughed , but I tell you , I like the sound of that .

In other other news I got an e-mail the other day from someone complaining that I occasionally crack wise on the fatties - which I think is okay , because I'm fat . That's not right of course , but that's how our culture works , if you are something its okay for you to make fun of it - but no one else damn it !

I need to lose weight , and I don't mean I just need to lose a few pounds . I should probably drop 50 , if we're making a conservative estimate . My doctor would likely put the actual number a bit higher , but he also thinks I should quit sniffing glue . I pretty much tuned out everything he ever told me after that , although I am curious as to how he replied when I asked why my skin is turning yellow and I wake up shaking every morning . I'm probably just getting too much potassium in my die t. Who knows ?

Whatever the case , I'm not here to talk about losing weight or bettering myself in any way . A lot of people need to lose weight . My bulging waistline doesn't make me special and hearing me complain about it won't do anything for your desire to be entertained . But that doesn't mean I can't do some good here . School bullying is big news these days , but most of the attention goes to gay teens and girls who get called sluts . Meanwhile , the most teased and bullied segment of the school population - fat - gets completely ignored . Today that all changes . Chubby of the world , consider this the beginning your very own "It Gets Better" campaign . Sort of , its more of "There is an Upside , Kinda" campaign .

Let's talk about teasing for a moment . No matter how young or old you may be , teasing happens . tease other , adults tease other adults , particularly dickish adults like myself tease , it's a vicious cycle . But it happens , so by all means , don't entertain the thought of feeling sorry for me because I was teased about being overweight . I mean, I totally was , but of all shapes and sizes got teased for all sorts of things at my school . But the thing about people who aren't very funny (like douchebag bullies for example) is that , when they absolutely must come up with something humorous to say , it's going to be the most obvious joke imaginable , if they're even capable of telling jokes at all .

So when the bullies and jokesters turned their attention to me, they'd just call me fat or whatever other variation on the joke you can think of and move on to the next target . In other words , I always knew what was coming . And that was a great ! Because believe me , there was plenty of other shit going on in my grade school and high school years that could have been mined for comedic effect . My family was absurdly poor , I have bad skin, I went through a ridiculous phase where I wore nothing but sweatsuits to school , I had the kind of eyesight that required me to wear nerdlinger Coke-bottle glasses whenever I didn't have contact lenses jammed in my head ; the list goes on and on . But none of those things were even mentioned , because "Ha! You're fat !" was the easiest joke to make . There's a reason why fat humor is so popular on the Internet , and it's not because the Web is overflowing with creative geniuses .

So , that's something right ? Right ?
5 Comments
Nice guys don't cram cell phones in a lady's vagina
Posted:Jun 27, 2012 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2012 2:27 pm
53171 Views

Five hundred years ago , when nice was first used in English , it meant "foolish" or "stupid" , so that's something .

I've been thinking about this cell phone/vagina thing I mentioned the other day a lot . Thankfully I was on a useless conference call most of the day , so I had a lot of time to think . Mostly it made me think of that scene in Man on Fire (awesome movie) where the dude from Glory explained to the naked hairy corrupt cop what a charger is (he had one filled with C4 in his butt you see) .

What is a charger ?

A small cylindrical object that can be filled with money or drugs and inserted into the anus to conceal their whereabouts from the police/prison guards etc.

You can buy plastic ones commercially . Think about that for a second . Somewhere in this great land of ours a guy wakes up , gets out of bed , heads to work , and punches a timecard at a factory where they make a product designed to be shoved up a criminal's ass for the purposes of smuggling contraband . Capitalism ! Love it or die in a gutter .

Now I know there's all kinds of products designed specifically for criminal use ; guns that don't retain fingerprints for murderers , anti-pepper spray serum for , etc. and that's all legal . But seems like we should draw the line somewhere .

But anyway , I'm getting distracted from my main point . Being nice . I'm for it . A lot of dudes (and some ladies) say that being nice doesn't get you any action . Maybe , maybe not , the point is the dude saying this is usually not being nice at all - he's just a more subtle jerk .

The basic move for these "nice" guys so to set themselves up as a woman's proxy boyfriend and wait for her to break up with whomever she's with - then make the move . Then get upset when she doesn't go for it . Doing something just to get laid ? There are an infinite number of parallel universes so there must be at least one where what might be considered "nice" but this one aint it .

For all I know nice guys don't get laid , but the point is if you think that's why YOUR not getting laid you're probably just a more passive kind of asshole .
1 comment
I blame Billy Joel (and Christie Brinkly to a lesser extent)
Posted:Jun 25, 2012 6:29 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2016 1:37 pm
55496 Views

Today to work while I was rudely scowling at one of my co-workers who's mobile phone was ringing something occurred to me . You see although I'm fairly certain the phone was in her pocket to the untrained ear it sounded like the ringing was coming from her Elvis zone . Which reminded me of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm wherein the chick from Mad TV accuses the dude from Wizards of Waverly Place of having a small penis and he counters with the accusation that she has a big vagina . This dispute is resolved later in a hilarious moment where its indicated that she's stealing a cell phone by hiding it in said vagina .

That's solid writing right there . BUT , if you stop and think about it that makes no sense at all . Is there a woman out there who COULDN'T fit a cell phone in her vagina ? Doubtful , those things are small . Even the old "big" ones from a few years ago could easily fit in the average vagina I would wager . Now if you're talking one of the really old ones from the 80s (known as bricks) then we're talking about a big vagina , but otherwise I say the cell phone in the vagina trick is one easily accomplished by even the most modest of lady vaginas .

Anyway , the point is when my co-worker answered her phone to explain to her dumb how to play World of Warcraft she gave me the dirty look as if to say "What's wrong with you ?"

What's wrong with me ? I'll tell you .

The year was 1988 . A precious and still cute youngster by the name of 40Deuce was at Disneyworld . I wasn't a big Disneyworld guy since I didn't care for Disney characters so much and I was into rides , but I was looking forward quite a lot of the 3D Star Wars Adventure ride . The entire course of my life would have been altered had I gotten to go on the ride . But it was not to be .

For that part of the park (and a whole lot more) was closed to the public so Billy Joel and Christie Brinkly could enjoy it "without being bothered" . The anger washed over me in waves . How was that fair ? Billy Joel was rich , he could come here whenever he wanted , this was my only chance . Why did he get to go on the Star Wars 3D Adventure Ride and I didn't ?

"How much more did he have to pay for this dad ?" I was heard to remark .

"Well , he probably didn't have to pay at all , these places give celebrities all kinds of perks just for the publicity ."

That was the exact moment I became bitter and hateful . Billy Joel taught me a valuable lesson - everything they had taught me in history class was a lie . The American Revolution was all for nothing . All men where not created equal . Billy Joel was better than me and his treatment would reflect as such . As I stood there , heartbroken , I saw the tram go by - completely empty except for Billy Joel , Christie Brinkly , and what I assume were their .

THEY HAD THE WHOLE FUCKING TRAM TO THEMSELVES

There is no justice is THIS life .

Anyway , that's what's wrong with me .

In other news my work wife is pregnant again and she's pissed about it because she had an IUD emplaced in her very fertile uterus . When she got put in I was asking about it and she said "its 99.99% effective" . To which I said "so statistically speaking the way you and your husband go at you'll be pregnant in a couple years" . She wouldn't believe me . I wanted to tell her "I told you so" pretty badly , but I didn't . I'm proud of that - GROWTH ! Honestly the over under on how many times a day she and her husband get it on is 7-8 so she's lucky she made it through year one .

In other other news , my fellow nerds and I were talking about Game of Thrones the other day when the nerdwives jumped in talking about how dreamy John Snow is . Which I found surprising . I thought have thought Jaime or Rob would have been the dreamboats of the show . John Snow looks kind of girly if you ask me . But I guess that's what women like sometimes . Then the debate became which had the better looking cast , Game of Thrones or Lost .

Lost may have had the worst finale ever , but their had quite a collection of beefcake you have to admit .

And finally , I leave you with this . I happened to notice a picture of a fellow's cock on here the other day , and he happened to be holding a placard next to it that said "Weapon of Ass Destruction" which while mildly amusing I don't think sends the right message . I'm no expert on what women like by any stretch of the imagination (always remember to stretch your imagination so you don't cramp up) but I'm fairly confident most of them don't want their ass destroyed .

Fairly .
6 Comments
40Deuce , your lifeboat on a sea of sadness
Posted:Jun 24, 2012 8:13 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2012 6:30 pm
53730 Views
There's a spider skittering about on my monitor - its kind of distracting . I wonder if I can move it around with my mouse . That would be pretty messed up .

Did you know that your eyes are the same size your entire life ? Your eyeballs are exactly the same size right now as they were the second you were born . Seems kind of freaky . Next time someone brings their dumb baby into work I'll have to take a look at how big its eyeballs are .

I've been wondering when the new season of Men of a Certain Age was going to start , turns out it was canceled months ago . What's the point of the internet if it doesn't tell me these kinds of things ? Why do I have to go looking for them ? What is this , the Dark Ages ? I blame you for this . Why didn't you watch ? That show was great . It had the dude from Quantum Leap and the dude from Homicide , that was more than enough to counteract the dude from Everybody Loves Raymond . You are all a huge disappointment .

Once , a long time ago , I posted my recipe for Mojo Juice - the energy drink I invented that helps put the wowsers back in your trousers . It included such things as flaxseed oil , anti-freeze sea water , and black rum . I don't really believe it but some dude claimed he made it , drank it , and got super sick . I find it had to believe anyone would be that dumb . But just in case let me state this disclaimer .

This blog is for entertainment and gambling purposes only . However with that being said you absolutely SHOULD follow any introductions that I give in said blog . If you're a lady or a skilled crossdresser and I say that you should come to my house and give me a blowjob through the mail slot you absolutely should do just that . Get a plane ticket , hop a train , whatever you need to do .

Last night I was laying naked on my roof as I do from time to time , because why else would you own a house other than for the opportunity to lounge naked on the roof ? I believe that's in the Bible . Anyway , I saw a bright blue light in the sky . I'm no astronomer , not even a amateur one , although I am willing to mount an expedition to Uranus .

Please wait a moment while I except my Most Obvious Joke Ever award .

Thank you . Anyway , I think maybe Jupiter appears blue in the night sky . Also I think Vega appears blue but I'm not sure how often you can see that with the naked eye . It was pretty cool . My sister claims she was a alien spaceship on prom night . I also have a friend who claims he was visited by aliens when he was a , but his mom is crackhead so I think that one has a different explanation .

Oh , I was right about the bible thing - 2 Samuel 11:2 is the one about roof nudity and how its awesome (my interpretation anyway) . We all know the Song of Solomon is pretty much all about how great boobs are , but there's some other pretty perverted sexual sex pervert stuff in there too .

Pictured below , Song of Solomon verses 1:13 and 2:6 and 4:5 and 4:16 and 5:4 and 7 and 8 and 8:10 , etc



Most of the good stuff is in Genesis , such as Genesis 29: 21-28 , Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman . His boss , Laban , promised his Rachel in exchange for seven years of work . After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly , Leah , instead:

Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her. ”

So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. But when evening came, he took his Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his as her attendant.

When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me? ”

Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger in marriage before the older one. Finish this ’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work. ”

And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his Rachel to be his wife. Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his Rachel as her attendant. Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years

Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Mary-Kate and Ashley" variety, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister .

The Torah offers further exposition in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel had actually expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious a solution) .

However , in a last-minute display of womanly wile (what Toran scholars agree is "bitchiness" in modern English) Rachel taught Leah the signal , and she used it to double-double cross Jacob , fucking him in every possible meaning of the word .

After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah , Jacob offered to work another seven years just to get Rachel . This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends . The name Leah , however , means "hidden beauty" .

If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Bilpah , Leah's "hand maid". She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it . What was she doing there ? Watching ? Is it my fault that I'm picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs ?

I could go on (spoiler alert , don't go into a cave with Lot) but that's enough sacrilege for one Sunday .
2 Comments
Too many dicks on the dance floor (me versus my brain)
Posted:Jun 23, 2012 8:15 am
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2012 2:27 pm
53520 Views

Brain - You better post something today , every time you go a couple days without posting you lose watchers .

Me - Yeah , you're probably right . Hold on a minute , since when do we care about how many watchers we have ?

Brain - Duh , since always , you may fool everyone else with your "I don't care about nothing" attitude but I know you better than that vato . You know what they say , a brain will die for you but it will never lie to you .

Me - No one says that .

Brain - Hey , who's the brain here champ ? People say whatever I want them to say so you shut the hell up .

Me - You shut you baby !

Brain - Back it down there a second chief , lets not escalate things here , what did Dr. Waxman say about childish namecalling ?

Me - Who cares she was a stupid crazy bitch !

Brian - Fair enough , so what are we going to post ? How about a picture of your tits ? That seems to be pretty popular around here .

Me - Oh brain , for all your intelligence you still don't understand how boobs work do you ? If only you and dick would work things out and start talking again .

Brain - Never ! I'll die before I speak to that bastard again . How about you just post that James Bondage thing you wrote a while back ? Take the lazy way out and then we can both get back to watching Breaking Bad .

Me - How many times do I have to tell you brain , we're caught up now ; there won't be any new episodes until the new season starts ! Besides , that James Bondage story was awful - sometimes I think you have no idea what you're doing up there . I mean why 008 , why not 0069 ? It makes no sense .

Brain - Hey , I do my best , do you think you could do this job better ? Eight a more erotic number than people give it credit for . Okay , how about that thing about infidelity we were thinking about the other day ? We had some good material there .

Me - Nah , given the constituency of Horny.net that's not a good idea if we're trying to retain watchers , which apparently we are .

Brain - Definitely we are . What about something in the wailing on genre ? We could talk about that terrible video that's "gone viral" as the say and how the in it should be beaten soundly .

Me - I think we've covered our feelings on that subject pretty thoroughly , no need to beat a dead , so to speak . How about we just post some song lyrics and get out of here ?

Brain - But we hate when people do that !

Me - Yeah , but what can you do ?

Brain - Yeah , what can you do ?

Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks

Going to the party
Sippin' on Bacardi
Wanna meet a hottie
But there's Adam, Steve and Marty
There's Billy, Todd and Tommy
They're on leave from the army
The only boobs I'll see tonight will be made of origami

Tell the fellas, make it understood
It ain't no good if there's too much wood
Make sure you know before you go
The dance floor bro-hoe ratio
Five to one, it's a brodeo
Tell Steve and Mike it's time to go
Wait outside all night to find
Twenty dudes in a conga line

Too many dicks on the dance floor
Easy to fix
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Spread out the dicks

Too many dudes
With too many dicks
Too close to my shit
Too hard to meet chicks
I need better odds
More broads, less rods
I came to do battle
Skedaddle with the cattle prods

Too many men
Too many boys
Too many misters
Not enough sisters
Too much time on too many hands
Not enough ladies, too many mans

Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor

Too many dicks
Too many dongs
Too many schlongs
Now sing this song

Too many dicks on the-
Too many dicks on the-
Dicks on the-
Dicks on the-
Dicks-Dicks-Dance-Dicks-
Di-di-di-di-dicks on the dance floor

Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
4 Comments
I wasn't going to post anything today
Posted:Jun 20, 2012 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2012 10:51 am
53987 Views

But then THIS happened .

My neighbor (the one who got busted for hooking) is back and we were having a little chat - turns out she's a pretty nice lady - when a car pulled up and she "had to go" . A dude got out and they went inside , I can only assume for her to ply her trade . No big deal I guess . But then I notice there's a lady sitting in the car , and a little in the backseat . This was about two hours ago and they're still sitting there .

So , presumably this dude is nailing a chick for cash money while his maybe pregnant wife and young sit in a car on a 90 degree day ? Even if its his pregnant sister and niece , or just some random pregnant lady and he's not related to its kind of messed up .

Did I mention this preggo has been smoking the whole time ? Is that a thing now ? This is the 4th or 5th pregnant smoker I've seen in the past few months .

I was going to title this post "The new trend in parenting - being horrible" but there's nothing new about that .
5 Comments
Dick Dicklonger the Vicedick of Dickington Invades Pussytown (With His Dick)
Posted:Jun 19, 2012 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 12:45 pm
55169 Views

I don't really have much to say , I just wanted to use that title for something .

I have decided there should be some kind of challenge system that allows you to take someone else's screen name though . One of my exes who I kind of still get along with (when she's on medication) was asking me about Horny.net and I encouraged her to join with the screen name PrincessChampagneTittiesMcTittyFuck . Sadly this was too many characters . So she tried just plain old ChampagneTitties - but it was already taken . I checked out this champagnetitties broad though , and she hasn't logged on in LITERALLY forever . Plus her titties didn't make me think of champagne at all . Point is if you're not around to defend your screen name in some kind of topless wrestling match you should lose it . So say we all .

And now , this ;

At some point in history a botanist was looking at what is widely considered to be the most beautiful flower in existence (the orchid) when he noticed that the roots sort of looked like balls . It's unknown if he held the flower next to his crotch, pointed and laughed , but the observation stuck , and the plant was named for a balls .

The term orchid comes from the Greek , orkhis , which means testicle . This etymology of orchid makes the White Stripes lyrics , "You took a white orchid and turned it blue" make much , more sense .

A different dirty botanist that named the Venus Flytrap saw the flytrap and realized it looked like a vagina , which is why they added Venus (The Greek goddess of love and sex) to its name . On one hand , you can kind of see it . The plant is oval-shaped , has hair-like cilia , has a pink interior , and secretes mucilage, which is like plant lube , I guess .

But you add in the fact that it probably has mashed-up bugs in it , and has huge spiky teeth , and I have to wonder if this dude didn't have some woman issues in his life.

So between the orchid thing and this , I'm thinking the botanists need to get out more .

But wait , they're not done yet !

The word for Avocado comes from the Nahuatl (The language of the Aztecs) "ahuacatl" which means testicle , because of its shape . They were clearly stretching at this point . The avocado was also introduced to America as the "Alligator pear" but the other name stuck so apparently at the time , balls were more popular than alligators . This is apparently not true now because there are no ads with Michael Jordan drinking "Testicalaide" which would have probably made the slogan "Is it in you ?" far less popular .

Guacamole also derives from this origin , with its original definition in Nahuatl being "Avocado sauce ." I'm sure they were referring to the fruit this time , but I'm also sure my next trip to Chipotle will involve imagining a money shot that looks like it came out of Ghostbusters .

Also I hate Gaucamole
6 Comments
Topless women on motorcycles
Posted:Jun 17, 2012 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2012 4:15 pm
54040 Views


As usual this is a bait and switch , this has nothing to do with topless women on motorcycles .

Instead I tell this story to you . I went to the grocery story today (normally I go at a day and time scientifically calculated to reduce my chance of running into people I want to stab) because my schedule was interrupted by father's day . A young lady (did I say lady , I mean based on clothing choice) and her mom (also a hookerwear enthusiast) in front of me in line were buying a mountain of booze (always a good sign) and it all went down like this ;

Cashier - That will be $65 .

Waste of human skin - How could it be 65 ? I only bought 60 dollars ?

Cashier - The tax is 5 dollars .

Waste - How could the tax be 5 dollars you fucking moron ?!

First of all the answer to that question is math . Secondly that's a little early to be bringing out the heavy stuff isn't it ? Two sentences into the conversation and roll our "fucking moron" already ? Doesn't leave you much of anywhere to go after that . If this was the kind of world I really wanted to live in the mom (even though this is an "adult" we're talking about) would have slapped the yellow off her teeth and suggested that she keep a civil tongue in her mouth . But of course its not the kind of world I really want to live in so instead the mom egged her on like a Springer audience member .

And consider this - if I had pepper sprayed her and kicked her in the stomach until her uterus detached I would have been the one who went to jail . That's democracy for you .

Quick question , do you think anyone's ever said "I should get out of bed now" to themselves ever followed that up by actually getting out of bed ? I submit that they have not .

I'm sure you all (especially the guys) are already virtual experts on the subject of female sexuality . But for the rare , sheltered person who isn't , I need to explain something about the female orgasm . When it comes to climaxing , ladies can do it two ways : from the inside or from the outside . The inside orgasm comes from the G-spot , and is super easy to achieve if her partner's penis is shaped like a letter "J". Most women , however , climax from the outside , or clitoral stimulation.

If for some reason you are curious to know whether , say , the lady who delivers your mail has regular vaginal orgasms , there's an easy way to tell (mine doesn't) .

A group of sexologists (which is apparently a thing) from the Universite Catholique de Louvain in Belgium studied the connection between the way a woman walks and her vaginal orgasm history . What else did you think sexologists studied ?

They gathered a group of women - half had never had vaginal orgasms , half had . And then , we shit you not , the scientists had to guess which group each lady fell into by the way she sashayed her stuff across the room .

This might be the most important study ever conducted .

It worked . The sexologists could determine whether or not the woman in question could have a vaginal orgasm with 81.25 percent accuracy .

Now , I caution you against trying this if you're not a trained sexologist yourself - I'm not responsible for any injuries or incorrect conclusions drawn . But the experts say women who were climaxing from the inside had longer stride lengths , greater pelvic rotation and an "absence of both flaccid and locked muscles ." In other words , they had a little shake in their hips , a little pep in their stride and didn't look like they were clenching a tennis ball with their thigh muscles . A loose but confident walk . Now you know , and you'll never , never un-know .
3 Comments

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