Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
 
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
One cock ring to rule them all (part 2)
Posted:Feb 23, 2012 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2012 6:27 am
63021 Views

AKA Stuff too short for its own blog post

I'm not a big fan of boots , but the other day I noticed a comely lass wearing some killer boots so I remarked "Sweet boots" whereupon she was heard to reply "What are you , a fag ?"

Now I realize that complimenting a lady on here footwear isn't the most hetero thing in the world , but Jesus Christ lighten up girly . I guess to some degree I can't blame her , she probably thought I was hitting on her , but lets set aside the hate speech and just call me a d-bag how about ? Somewhat related topic , I don't know why but when I was a I thought only dudes were homophobic (probably because I only hung around dudes) one of the more disturbing moments of my life is when a female teacher of mine when off on a rant about how gay people are evil and all going to hell . Your tax $ at work .

The first lady I had regular sex with trained me not to touch her when she was giving me a blowjob in the classic standing-kneeling position . She said it was disrespectful to put your hand on a woman's neck or the back of her head like that . It never occurred to me until the other day that that might just be her idiosyncrasy . So women of Horny.net , I ask you , do you care what a guy does with his hands while you're taking care of business ? Somewhat related topic , I sometimes wonder if my penis isn't that sensitive . I've never been that into getting sucked off - I've never cum that way . I like 69ing but honestly after a minute of two of a normal blowjob I get bored .

According to an informal poll conducted by me 100% of women would rather give up sex for a year than their mobile phone , compared to 0% of men .

I don't know why , but I'm kind of obsessed with knowing if a woman would sleep with a guy who saved her life . Most women say no , which I find fascinated . You can't give a little sugar to someone who kept you from dying ? What kind of gratitude is that ? Some of them ask "Is he good looking ?" Missing the point people - SAVED YOUR LIFE . If a guy saved my life and he wanted me to get busy with him I'd do it . I wouldn't be pumped about it but he SAVED MY LIFE for the love of you know whatever . I just hope he's not into kissing , I think I'd much rather go to pound town with a dude than make out . Maybe I am a fag .

I realized a few weeks ago at a family reunion that I'm the ugliest person in my family - which is weird because I'm not super ugly .

I think I good title for a blog post would be "If wishes were cocks we'd all be Tommy Lee" but I don't know what the subject matter would be .

Corrected idioms ;

Its not the size of the in the fight , oh wait , yes it is .

Money can't buy happiness , just kidding .

A fool and his Money are a woman's best friend .

Doesn't clitoris sound like the name of a dinosaur ? An awesome dinosaur . Next on Discovery the secret life of the mighty Clitoris revealed !

A lady I work with claims she used to be a stripper , which I believe , but she also claims to have given some rich guy from Yeman a hand job in return for $1 million which seems unlikely . I get that you'd still have to have a job even if you got a million bucks , but even if you're rich who's paying a mil for a hand job ?

One time a guy commented on a blog I wrote saying he was offended because I was being racist . I asked him what he meant and he said "you were talking all stupid like a black person" , so I'm pretty sure he's the racist . One time I wrote blog I entitled "Fistful of Abortions" just to upset people . It worked . I used to do stuff like that .

I usually think of myself as nerd , but sometimes I go to comic conventions or things like that and I realize I'm not half as nerdy as lot of people out there .

Sometimes when I'm chatting to a lady I say "Hey , I may not look like much , but at least I'm no pigman ." But you know , a pigman in good shape with a nice package has probably got me beat . Just put a bag over the head and get your business done . As long as he didn't have a tail anyway - that's probably a deal breaker .

What's the deal with the concept of MILFs ? Who came up with that ?

"Dude , do you think that's chick is hot ?"

"Nah"

"What if I told you she had !"

"Fuck yeah !"

I never feel comfortable having relations with a lady who has . I'm pretty sure every little boy out there has a special part of his brain that tells him when some a-hole is plowing his mom . I don't know how else you explain how messed up most dudes are .

I hardly ever watch porn anymore - it all seems so mean spirited these days . I realize that makes no sense because porn is inherently misogynistic but I can't get into it these days . Can't people just get nude and have sex ?

I can't imagine anyone's still reading , but if you are here's something you can take with you ;

"If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn
2 Comments
Paint by numbers
Posted:Feb 22, 2012 4:56 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2012 5:37 pm
62928 Views

I have a cousin whom I'm pretty close with (by comparison anyway) who's girlfriend is pregnant and has become the target of some good natured (mostly) ribbing because he already has two daughters and two other baby mommas . Which as a sidenote I don't understand at all - he says he can't use protection because he's Catholic , but you know what else Catholics aren't supposed to do ? You get the idea . Anyway , I'm all for good-natured ribbing (as long as its not targeted at me) but really , what this means is he has proof that he's slept with three ladies - I can't prove I've ever done anything in the bedroom . So who's the joke really on ?

But this just leads me to the number three . Various studies indicate that most women say they have two sexual partners in their life , while men say they have four . Conventional wisdom says that women usually diminish and men usually exaggerate . Normally you can't put much faith in conventional wisdom , but obviously there's something wrong with these numbers . True , there are more women than men , but only by a small amount . Unless there's a ton of 3-ways going on out there (unlikely) both numbers should be pretty close . Its like a recent sports column I read stating this year the NFL wasn't very good because the average record was 8-8 . The average record is always 8-8 boys and girls , that's how averages work .

I guess one possibility is that there's some mega-sluts out there sexing everyone up and then dying before they can participate in these surveys , but I'll say that's also unlikely . So we meet in the middle right ? Most people have 3 partners of the opposite sex in their lifetime . Seem reasonable ? At first I thought this was total BS and that men and women must both be under reporting the number of sex partners they've had - because there is no way in hell that I (of all people) is above average when it comes to sexy sex time . But then I reconsidered . I have several married friends who've only ever had sex with their wives . I have a couple friends who took it to the hoop like Ron Jeremy back in the day , but most of the rest are in the 1-3 range . So maybe that number isn't so crazy . Maybe 3 is the average but there's a lot of 1s out there with a few Wilt Chamberlain's bringing up the average .

Anyway , food for thought

Topic #2 - How do you make love to a drunken lady ?

I don't drink at all , and most of the lady friends I've had have been light drinkers at most , but there have been a few that liked to tie one on every now and then ; and I have to say , sex with a drunk chick is not that great . Sex is at least as complicated as driving right ? Maybe its different/more fun when you're both hammered , but in my experience drunk and sober is not a good combo in the bedroom . And of course its made worse because refusing to have sex with a drunk lady is not a good idea . Its never a good idea really (don't cry to me about a double standard when you get to enjoy that luxury) but its especially not a good idea when they have their trainer Jack Daniels in their corner .

Speaking of which , what's a good trick for getting a drunk stubborn woman's keys away from her . An ex of mine was legendary for insisting no matter what they she was okay to drive and it was pretty much impossible to get her keys away from her . There were times she was too drunk to get up and get more booze successfully and she still wanted to drive home . One more than one occasion someone standing in front of her car was , well , run over isn't the right word ; but car made contact with human being . She quite literally would not let anyone stand in her way . I eventually just got the point where I've snatch her purse because she wouldn't remember anyway , but I'd like to hear some less invasive techniques .

Topic #3 - Getting beaten up after an anti-bullying meeting , ironic or just sad ?

Every now and then when I feel guilty about not really contributing anything to society I do some work with the Gay and Lesbian group at work , and one thing they've been doing lately is working on an anti-bully campaign . I have no clue how talking to me makes anyone feel better about being bullied but they're always desperate for volunteers so I've done it a few times .

One thing I always think about when I'm leaving is that if I was a bully , sitting there listening to me give a shitty speech about how bullying is wrong - I would totally wait for me out in the parking lot and kick my ass . I'm old and feeble enough at this point that most high school could probably wail on me without too much trouble . It hasn't happened yet but it seems like only a matter of time .
1 comment
World's most romantic love song (dedicated to my one true love - the ladies)
Posted:Feb 22, 2012 4:24 pm
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2018 4:08 pm
62410 Views

I want to row on your pond in my canoe,
Ride my pony 'til he throws a shoe,
I'm the hunter gonna harvest your pelt,
Lick that cone before it melts,
You've got the clam and I've got the bake,
Baby, won't you let me see your milkshake.

My french bread loaf would like to meet your buns,
So put your bazooka up against my guns,
I'd like a cherry pie and make it a la mode,
Be my donkey, baby, pull my load,
Gonna put that icing on your cake,
Come on, let me see that milkshake.

You got the creek and I've got the paddle,
I've got the brand, so you be the cattle,
You bring the bagel, I'll bring the schmear,
You've got the head and I've got the beer,
Your little vampire needs my stake
I'm gonna dip my straw in your milkshake.

Gonna put the cream in your eclair,
I've got a banana if you've got a pear,
I'll be the foot and you be the boot,
I've got the nuts if you've got the fruit,
If you've got the ladder, I've got the snake,
Oh, you know I love to see your milkshake
0 Comments
5 Ridiculous Sex Myths Everyone Believes
Posted:Feb 20, 2012 6:59 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2012 4:33 pm
62021 Views

For those of you not into cracked (which I assume is everyone)

What do you know about sex? Surely there aren't many of you who would answer "nothing." Even if you're the most inexperienced or inept lover of all time (which we've been assured you are), you at least have some preconceived notions about sex based on the stories and anecdotes and stand-up comedy you've heard over the years.

But here's the thing -- even with all of that going for you, the real and correct answer is still probably "nothing." For instance, you probably think ...

#5. Pregnancy Happens Immediately, or Not at All

Have you ever watched an episode of The Maury Povich Show that involved paternity tests? Rhetorical question, they're all about paternity tests. Anyway, at some point you probably heard this:

"Well, Maury, I know it was Ray Bob because I remember exactly six weeks earlier to the day from when my doctor said I was six weeks pregnant, Ray Bob and I didn't use any protection. I don't use protection at all, actually, because it's a sin. But Ray Bob was the only person I had sex with that week. I didn't sleep with the other three since the Friday before that. It was a party."

Call her a slut all you want, but you'd have to admit, that logic seems at least sort of valid, right? Six weeks pregnant means the guy she had sex with exactly six weeks ago is the lucky winner, simple as that. How are they ever wrong?

But Actually ...

If it were really as simple as that, Maury wouldn't even need paternity tests, just a staff full of people who can decipher hillbilly speak and count backward. But what people fail to take into account is that sperm doesn't die just because you've zipped up and moved on to the next suitor.

It turns out these little fuckers are built to last.

In truth, sperm are hardier than the fragile balls that birthed them. They can stay alive and viable for days after ejaculation, watching and waiting for their opportunity to make a happy accident. Just how long can a sperm survive in the wild and terrible world? BabyMed says five days, WebMD concurs. The Mayo Clinic allows that they can survive "perhaps even longer."

"Maybe. It's not our job to understand this 'medicine' shit."

In reality, sperm have been found to survive longer than a week hiding out in the reproductive tract. If you (ladies) have sex at all in the seven days leading up to ovulation, some of that sperm could be making its way up your fallopian tubes just in time for that new egg to pop in. (Eggs "pop," right?)

What's more, at least one study has shown that sperm can keep on sperming for as long eight days and still remain viable. That means that a lag between the time when you make the biggest mistake of your life and when that mistake actually results in an unwanted pregnancy is totally possible.

Just something to keep in mind when you're trying to do the math.

#4. Men Like "Casual" Sex and Women Like Committed Sex

If a character on TV is infamous for sleeping around, odds are good it's a he. Charlie Sheen was a loveable womanizer on Two and a Half Men. Sam Malone from Cheers got all kinds of ass, and Captain Kirk was, well, Captain Kirk. You'd have a lot more trouble drawing up a list of promiscuous female main characters on television (unless we're talking about HBO, but that's not television, it's HBO ).

A half century of feminism and women's liberation haven't changed the fact that women consider sex to be a step toward a long-term relationship and deep emotional commitment, while men consider sex to be nothing more than scratching an itch.

And there is plenty of scientific basis for this; a 1989 study showed that men were far more likely to accept solicitations for casual sex than women. Male and female students were approached by "moderately" attractive students of the opposite sex and awkwardly propositioned. The men, being 18 and in immediate proximity to a vagina, said, "Fuck yes." Most of the women said no. Obviously.

But Actually ...

A University of Michigan psychologist named Terri Conley decided to dig a little deeper. Her study found that women were no less likely to be down for some consequence-free coupling, as long as it was in a safe situation with a sexually competent partner. The difference wasn't in the expected commitment, but in how much harder it is to bring a woman to orgasm.

So both genders seek sex for the awesome, toe-curling pleasure it brings. But the difference is that men know they're going to get an orgasm no matter how bad the girl is in bed, and in fact know that it will happen even if she leaves halfway through. But women only orgasm 35 percent as often in first-time sexual encounters. Why commit yourself to a night of getting some guy off if you aren't getting anything but filthy sheets out of it?

Studies of bisexual women showed that their hesitance to bone disappeared as soon as the partner wasn't a man. That infamous female prudishness all came down to the fact that most men have awful cocksmanship.

They call it the pleasure theory -- it says simply that our desire for sex comes from the joy it brings us, not the raw evolutionary need to make babies. In other words, men and women both screw because it feels just great. And if we aren't confident we'll enjoy the experience, it isn't worth having.

#3. College Is Where Girls Go Wild

For many raised in the cloistered confines of suburbia, college represents the first real chance for freedom. That means getting shitfaced, staying up late and, if you're a young woman, engaging in some sexual experimentation. The term "lesbian until graduation" didn't earn its own Wikipedia entry for nothing. Those liberated years of university life bring about a very real change for many women.

That's the accepted public perception, anyway.

But Actually ...

Unfortunately for our vast database of dorm-room-themed spank material, the truth is far less sexy. According to a recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (would it kill them to use a not-so-implicitly-horrifying name when studying hot girl-on-girl action?), women with bachelor's degrees were actually less likely to have dipped their toe in the pool of lesbian adventure than women who did not graduate from high school.

Of 13,500 responses, women aged 22 to 44 with college degrees admitted to having a same-sex relationship about 10 percent of the time, compared with 15 percent of women who didn't finish high school.

So how did we all get this so horribly wrong? Dan Savage, a Seattle-based gay sex columnist, weighed in on the article thusly:

"A lot of [college students] are out to prove something and want their effort to smash the patriarchy to be very visible ..."

That is, women with college educations aren't more likely to have had those experiences, they're just more likely to have talked about them because they think it makes them special. They like to brag about their girly time sexploits because they think they're reinventing the sexual wheel and can't wait to tell their less enlightened peers all about it.

But hey, at least they're using that college degree for its exact intended purpose ... to instill themselves with a false sense of intellectual superiority. Money well spent, indeed.

#2. Men and Women Reach Their Sexual Peak at Different Times

We've all heard some variation of this myth, which claims that while men meet their sexual peak in their teens and early 20s, women don't hit the same apex of horniness until a decade or more later. Science that justifies cougars -- what could be wrong with that?

Well, everything, as it turns out. This myth likely originates from the fact that testosterone peaks at 18 and estrogen peaks in a woman's mid-20s. So boys tend to be at their age of maximum boning right around the freshman year of college, while girls don't hit the same peak until they're old enough to appreciate the humor of Courteney Cox.

But Actually ...

According to Dr. Marc Goldstein of Cornell University, hormones don't decide when you hit your sexual apex. People aren't soda bottles that just reach a point of maximum pressure and then pop. Your "sexual peak" has more to do with your attitude toward sex and level of experience, which is one reason millions of awkward young men spend their entire sexual prime on a computer.

Women who are more mature are more likely to be comfortable with their sexuality because they've had the opportunity to explore it. Women's sex drives are more vulnerable to social pressures, so the further they get from the drama and "slut shaming" of high school, the more open they'll feel. Women who have been adults longer than The Office (U.S.) has run are more likely to know how to have sex safely. And they're far distanced enough from the bullshit drama of adolescent love lives to enjoy the experience.

#1. Sex Sells

Sex has an incredible ability to compel attention, there's no arguing with that. Tits and ass (or suggestively tight banana hammocks) guarantee eyeballs on the screen. That's the way things are now, that's the way they were for our horny grandparents and that's the way they'll be for our equally horny (but much freakier) . So, if you want to sell beer, or cars or body spray, stick some boobs on the screen.

It's an equation man has understood since he first learned that erections weren't snakes.

But Actually ...

Once again, science is here to shrivel our erection of lies with the cold swimming pool of truth. Sex is a great way to get the audience to watch. But "watching" isn't the same as "buying."

Studies show that less than 10 percent of men who were exposed to sexual advertising could even recall the actual brand the ad existed to promote. And that's men, the gender that's supposed to get brainwashed by anything titillating, including the word "titillating." For women, sexual advertising cut brand recall in half.

Rather than being Miracle-Gro for brand awareness, sex appears to have a sort of "vampire effect." It numbs the brain to anything that doesn't get your Captain Hornblower in a Tallywicket (we're not sure if that's an actual euphemism). This trend even extends to video games, the one realm where we'd expect shallow smut peddling to have a real advantage. And yet that's not what we've seen. Games featured by Playboy tend to underperform, and titles that flaunt sexy characters (Age of Conan, we're looking at you) don't do any better for it.

Another study of beer ads found that throwing scantily clad women into the picture did nothing to increase consumer recall. Interestingly, they also found that pairing the ads with steamy (oh God, forgive us for using that adjective) shows like Sex and the City further decreased recall.

OK, so sex doesn't sell products. But it still gets you watching, which means that adding a little bit of the moist ballet to your new movie guarantees it some measure of success. Look at movies like Basic Instinct, Starship Troopers or Black Swan. The promise of naked boob is the only thing that got half their audiences to buy a ticket. Or so we'd think.

Movie scientists with the University of California studied over 900 films released last decade and found not one case where sex and nudity improved a movie's box office reception or sales. We're assuming Halle Berry's bare breasts' featured role in Swordfish was the exception, but we can't confirm that.
0 Comments
We are the knights that say clit !
Posted:Feb 20, 2012 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 5:27 pm
61810 Views

The public discourse has pretty much reached the point where you can say anything at any time (and more's the pity) but the one word that still seems to shock people is clit . The other night I was having diner with my chums and I happened to mention a story I heard about an unfortunate lady who had her clit bitten off by a piranha . You could have heard a pin drop . Our two previous topics of conversation - the relative density of a bucket of shit versus a bucket of water , and how to best chop off someone's dick without killing them . Highbrow stuff , I know . Yet somehow everyone get's all weird when I mention the word clit ?

It doesn't even make sense - out of all the various parts of the body involved with sex the clit is by a wide margin the least disgusting . Nothing sprays out of it for one so you don't have to wear eye protection to get near it . It doesn't emit any offensive odor or make any weird noises . Its just there , looking cute as a button , not grossing anyone out . How could the clit be the most offensive sexual nub ? One of these guys who was suddenly so uptight once told a story about the first time he tried anal and the young lady in question sprayed feces/lube all over him . But somehow the word clit is too much to take ?

I have to say , the clit is the part of the human body I identify with the most . Kind of shy , staying in the background , not calling a lot of attention to itself - just chillin by the labia minora not bothering nobody . Replace labia minora with pool and you got me to a T . Also I'm told we both get overlooked a lot , but that's neither here nor there .

Now obviously what I would like to happen is to go back to the good old days when it wasn't okay to talk about any of this kind of stuff out in the open - BUT since that's not going to happen , I encourage everyone to say clit all the time , just to help weave it into the common parlance . Its only fair .
0 Comments
It takes a special kind of man to write a product review of a blow-up doll
Posted:Feb 19, 2012 10:49 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2012 3:14 pm
61804 Views

I was reading a blog on here that mentioned something about blow-up dolls and I thought to myself - this is a subject that requires some research . I went to a popular sex toy site and checked it out . And there were reviews . REVIEWS people !

First thing I learned , blow-up dolls also have a fake vagina component , which makes a lot more sense . I never understood why you'd want to hump an inner tube . But on the other hand if you have a fake vagina why bother with the doll ? Is a fake vagina even that great ? Doubtful .

Anyway , lets jump right in ; no idea if theses are real or just propaganda from the site itself .

4 Star review ;

Nice Doll but not for oral sex
This doll is no good for getting head but very good for anal and the pussy feels like the real thing,if you have a big enough cock you can stsy in and get off,but i can see where you might conplain if you have a small cock but my 9 inch cock stays in until i get off.I enjoy having her anytime i want her!!


Is there a doll that's good for oral sex ? Is there a vacuum attachment ? How does that even work ?

5 Star Review ;

MOST AMAZING SEX EVER!
this doll is by far the most amazing thing ever! she can handle my 12 inch cock like its a cocktail weeny! great! gonna order 2 more!


Apparently talking about the size of your cock is an important factor in these reviews . I'm not sure I get the point of having multiple blow-up dolls - I guess you can pretend to have a foursome ?

2 Star Review ;

Nice Idea, Bad Doll
AS I am the first I can see why. This doll was a nice idea, combining the doll with the cyberskin stroker. The Stroker: ok, a little floppy when used by its self. The Doll: And this is where the grade goes down. With the stroker inserted into the Doll you can only hit one hole. The anal hole. The pussy is not shaped like it shows in the picture. The lips of the pussy are two massive lumps that cover the insertion hole. and you will find yourself constantly slipping out of the pussy and spend more time trying to get back in. The mouth is way to small to accommodate anyone. I can only fit the head of my dick into it, after that I have too much girth to go any further. The tits I did like. They were a little rubbery but I could get around that as they did not deflate when you play with them. Overall the doll is not worth the money that they are asking for. I find myself lucky that when I purchased it I had a coupon. Even then this is way to much.


Tits ? I guess with breast implant technology you could make a doll with okay tits . Where do you get a coupon for a blow-up doll ?

So riddle me this ladies of Horny.net - what would you think if your man had a blow-up doll ? I mean when my lady friends are in a post-coital orgasm coma and I'm rifling through their stuff looking for spare change for the bus ride home I don't even bat an eye when I find a vibrator - that's just the way it is . I don't know when a woman is first issued a vibrator but that's something they stick with . But if your fella opened a closet door to put your coat away and a doll fell out how would you feel ?
0 Comments
Imitation is the sincerest form of theft (an homage to imafarmgirl)
Posted:Feb 19, 2012 8:35 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2012 8:35 am
62035 Views

1. YOUR HANDLE?
40Deuce

2. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH YOUR HANDLE?
My reasons are threefold ;

A ) Its a fancy way to say 42 , readers of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy need no more

B ) Nickname for 42nc street in New York , famously mentioned in one of the best Beastie Boys songs "New Style"

C ) Its a tennis pun , I enjoy the tennis

3. DO YOU SLEEP naked OR WEAR SOMETHING ELSE?
Something else , only ladies should sleep naked

4. IF YOU WERE TO KARAOKE, WHICH SONG WOULD YOU SING?
Shame , System of a Down/Wu-Tang

5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
When they canceled Firefly

6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
hate it

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT?
pastrami

8. FAVORITE CLOTHES TO WEAR?
No opinion

9. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hey no

10. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Nope

11. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Nope

12. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I do

13. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Sure

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Captain Crunch

15. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Always

16. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically ? No . Mentally ? No . Emotionally ? No
But I am a strong poker player

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Gelato > Frozen Custard > Frozen Yogurt > Ice cream

18. WHAT BODY TYPE DO YOU PREFER YOUR PARTNER TO HAVE?
I like a little meat on the old bones , nice big tit-ays - I never saw the appeal in skinny girls . There must be a millions things more pleasurable to rub your junk against than a skeleton .

19. FAVORITE FOOD?
Lobster

20. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I take things too personally

21. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Captain Mal

22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION?
The Magician's Apprentice

23. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Right now , N/A

24. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Bran flakes

25. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
"Jake and the Gunslinger" , Bright Giant

26. DO YOU WAKE UP HORNY?
Never

27. FAVORITE SMELL?
I barely have a sense of smell thanks to a childhood bottle rocked up the nose

28. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A childhood pal of mine about custom bowling shirts

29. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO?
No ring

30. WHEN ARE YOU MOST SEXUALLY ACTIVE; MORNING, NOON OR NIGHT?
Noon

31. FAVORITE DRINK?
Lemonade

32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Professional football

33. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP?
Desktop

34. BLONDES, BRUNETTES OR RED HEADS?
Gingers rule

35. FAVORITE SONG TO FUCK TO?
"Business Time" Flight of the Concords

36. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PART IN A WOMAN/MAN?
Whats commonly known as "the ass"

37. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?
Scary

38. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
They Grey

39. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A ROMANTIC?
Not really , I wish I was

40. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer

41. HUGS OR KISSES?
kisses

42. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Baked apple

43. M) BOXERS OR BRIEFS? (F) THONGS OR PANTIES?
Boxer briefs , I'm too old (and fat) for briefs and I don't like my junk flopping around

44. ARE YOU LOUD WHEN YOU ORGASM?
Nope

45. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING AT THE MOMENT?
The Origins of Human Violence

46. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Thundercats logo

47. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
DVR Big Bang Theory and Delocated

48. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

49. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?
Czech Republic

50. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT?
I'm great at boring repetitive tasks (if you know what I mean )

51. DO YOU PREFER LONG HAIR OR SHORT HAIR ON YOUR PARTNER?
Long

52. DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH OR BE WATCHED?
Watch
0 Comments
Those that can screw , those that can't blog
Posted:Feb 18, 2012 1:31 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2012 6:16 pm
63313 Views

The other day one of my Horny.net pals says to me "Hey 40 , what's the deal , you've been back active for a couple weeks now and you've barely done anything except post on your blog ."

To which I responded "Shut up , I have to get home and see if anyone commented on my blog !"

Spoiler alert - they didn't .

But that's okay , but blogging is not about making a connection , its about randomly spewing your brain matter all over the place just for the hell of it . The human mind is a terrifying and bizarre place , its helps if every now and them you let some air out of the balloon so to speak . Don't get me wrong , there are some blogs on here that are occasionally insightful or interesting and once a great while funny , but most of them (like this one) are just people's thoughts given form - a snapshot of the psyche if you will .

And not even a very accurate snapshot at that . Blogging is generally people at their worst , their most frustrated , their most bored , or merely their most needy . Judging someone by their blog is kind of like judging them by their boot print - it gives you only the most basic information about they , but it does allow for rampant speculation . Most blogs come at you in the form of something complete mundane or seemingly a nightmare decent into madness - but in reality they're neither , just people doing what they do best , spouting off at the mouth .

But 40 , if blogging is so silly , why do you do it ?

Why wouldn't I ? Most of what I do is silly . I'm trying to get laid via website for god's sake - I think once you've gone down that rabbit hole there's no reason not to go whole hog on the silliness scale . I could be working out , or reading , or seeing a movie , or doing laundry , or any of a million other things that would be slightly constructive or fun - but instead I blog . And read others blogs . That's silliness at the highest level - and not the good Monty Python kind . The boring kind .

But 40 , your blog used to be at least kind of funny , now its just lame .

Perhaps , but as you know , self-improvement is masturbation , now self-destruction - that is evolution ."

40 , that's from Fight Club

Fair enough , but consider this ; Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes , working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need . We're the middle of history . No purpose or place . We have no Great War . No Great Depression . Our Great War's a spiritual war , our Great Depression is our lives . We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires , and movie gods , and rock gods. But we won't . And we're slowly learning that fact .

40 , that's also from fight club - this is getting ridiculous , I'm pulling the plug on this blog .

No wait , I have one final thought ;

Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life . Don't you have other things to do ? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments ? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it ? Do you read everything you're supposed to read ? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think ? Buy what you're told to want ? Get out of your apartment . Meet a member of the opposite sex . Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation . Quit your job . Start a fight . Prove you're alive . If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic . You have been warned

40 , that's also from fight club

Yeah , I know , sorry . That movie kind of sucked , but the book was good .
3 Comments
Ye Olde 40Deuce
Posted:Feb 18, 2012 8:51 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2012 12:10 pm
62615 Views

Back in the day I used to have a "funny" profile that people seemed to like - I repost it here (in part) for your "enjoyment"

To truly know a person you have to render them down to 14 salient points - which I have done below for your convenience . Each one is more true than the last .

1 I once made love for 83 hours straight – to a couch cushion – only stopping once to put on a different belt

2 I am one of the 12 richest kings of England

3 I have had a vasectomy , and had it reversed – ten times (to date)

4 Due to my unique heritage – which includes Egyptian Necromancers , Native American shamans , the Roman goddess Venus , and alien hybrids – I am able to see in the dark and detect ghosts

5 While I do not possess the ability to dodge bullets I DO have the power to get hit by them and be badly injured – possibly even dying as a result

6 When I speak the magical word “Shazam” I gain all the powers of 80’s supergroup Foreigner

7 I have taught a group of cats (and 1 mongoose) to perform the Riverdance

8 I invented the Cobb salad AND the Caesar salad (although I had help on the first one)

9 One time I got knocked down , but I got up again – they wrote a song about it , that sucked

10 I am personally responsible for the destruction of over 17 dozens species of native birds , mammals , and seashells in Nebraska wetlands

11 On more than one occasion I have headbutted a moose so hard that it was knocked unconscious and molested by rodeo clowns – one time the President called me about it

12 I have been told that if I didn’t return my videos to the store a motorcycle gang would beat the crap out of me – and I believe it ; I was also told that I should wear dress pants to school on picture day or I’d get uppercutted , I didn’t believe that but I should have

13 I founded America WAY before any Pilgrims or syphilis-infected Spaniards but I was talking really quietly when I did it so no one noticed

14 If you were going to be hit by a meteor I would TOTALLY push you out of the way so you could continue living in something close to your normal fashion – and if it happened again I’d do it again ; and possibly I’d do it a third time , but that would be it
1 comment
Turns out my boss thinks he communicates with aliens
Posted:Feb 17, 2012 11:55 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:24 pm
62117 Views

Not my supervisor , not my manager , the big bossman of the whole area . At first I thought he was just joking around , but then I realized he was serious when he was talking about aliens . Now believing in aliens is okay - if the universe is really infinite there is probably just about anything you can image out there . Not to mention the many worlds theory . That didn't freak me out so much , but then he started talking about how they send him messages through telepathy to give his life direction .

Wha ?

It seriously freaked me out . The man in charge of my entire professional world thinks aliens give him advice . I was willing to deal with him believing that magnets had healing powers , but this is just too much . Job search initiated .

And now - now for the ladies (and gay guys)

Selecting Cocks

Don't focus on color. It is not the best indicator of ripeness.

Squeeze the cock gently. A ripe cock will give slightly.

Use your experience with produce such as vaginas or breasts, which also become softer as they ripen.

Ripe cocks will sometimes have a fruity aroma at their stem ends.

The red color that appears on some varieties is not an indicator of ripeness. Always judge by feel.

Storing cocks

Keep unripe cocks at room temperature. Cocks shouldn't be refrigerated before they are ripe.

Cocks will continue to ripen at room temperature, becoming sweeter and softer over several days.

To speed up ripening, place cocks in a paper bag at room temperature.

Once ripe, cocks should be moved to the refrigerator, which will slow down the ripening process. Whole, ripe cocks may be stored for up to five days in the refrigerator.

Handling Cocks

If you have handled or cut any type of meat or seafood, ALWAYS sanitize your hands, work area, and utensils before handling any cocks .

Always wash cocks before handling.
0 Comments
How to win at everything ever (if you're into that kind of thing)
Posted:Feb 16, 2012 5:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:24 pm
62119 Views

Willingness – the biggest reason we don’t succeed is because we get in our own way.

Reframe / Rethink – look at things from a different angle, focus on and be positive, know you are capable of handling more than you think, compare the truths and lies, choose to accept and ask for help.

Let go of the need to control – encourage and let other perform also, stay willing, ask for help, surrender, learn what needs to be “perfect” , and what doesn’t have to be “perfect”.

Engage – look for trends, look back and review, listen, learn from others, LAUGH OFTEN – know that “things will happen”. Also engage others to change by: letting them know why now, establish a clear vision, get the right people, set boundaries, and make it fun.

Start – don’t do it all at once, do a little at a time and celebrate ALL attempts. Accept failure as a part of the process, but persevere – don’t give up. Remember if you have a plan you have a better chance of making it – learn from your mistakes and improve

Embrace Change – Remember change is messy, you don’t have to act right now – take a minute to review, ignore your inner critic, seek out other perspectives, be skeptical when needed, observe and think before you act. Be transparent – it is what it is.

Self Care – take care of yourself without additional medical or professional consultations, don’t stress yourself out. Take the time to sink into a new routine, rest and recharge, eat well, sleep & exercise, single task as much as possible, work your strengths daily, share your journey with others, don’t get stuck in whining – breathe and set time to unwind.
0 Comments
Maybe take a small step back self-appointed sexperts
Posted:Feb 15, 2012 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:24 pm
62237 Views

In seems to me that in every social circle there's a lady (maybe a dude but I've never met one) who is a self-style sexpert , who seems bent on convincing everyone that they don't really enjoy their sex life , but they would if they listened to her . Now as character defects go this is a pretty minor one , but still annoying . I appreciate the fact that our group's sexpert is trying to focus her natural bossiness into something helpful but maybe keep the "how to give good head" speech down to 5 minutes . Maybe don't tell our married friends how to "rekindle" their sex lives unless they ask . Just you know , take it down a notch , like I do with my stupidity . Keep the annoyance at a tolerable level .

Normally its not a big deal , but recently one of our friends has become newly single and seems to be buying into what the sexpert is selling . Newly single is doing that thing newly single gals sometimes like to do - humping a different guy every other night . Allegedly for "revenge" . Don't get me wrong , I have nothing against sluttiness , far from it , but revenge ? Come on . I don't think you're hurting your ex-husband as much as you think you are by getting the hammer dropped on you 3-4 times a week . If you want to sleep around , great , god bless - but do we have to pretend its revenge ? If you want revenge on your ex , bash his face in with a wrench - that is revenge . What you're doing is just having a good time .

But I digress . Sexpert has been giving newly single some questionable advice and I don't know why but it seems to be sticking . The worst ? Newly single said something about taking a shower before meeting up with her current boy toy and sexpert told her not to bother , that "guys like the smell of woman" . Pardon me ? Guys like BO ? Most of them have it , sure , but like it ? No . And newly single went for it sadly . I fear this is going to be a slippery slope .

Not sure why I'm posting this , just venting I suppose .

New topic - What kind of woman eats lobster shells ?!

I had a date last night , and everything was going along normally , until the lobster came . My date , who seemed perfectly normal , bit into it like an apple - right through the shell . I try not to judge or curse , but it just slipped out "What the fuck are you doing ? You don't eat the shell !" Not my most tactful moment , but it was weird man . Anyway , I guess she had never eaten lobster before - which if true makes me an even bigger asshole . But really , what are the chances a women in her thirties has never at least seen someone eat lobster ?

It seems more likely to me , based on the movie Splash , that she's a mermaid in disguise - which would be pretty cool . It seemed to work out alright for Tom Hanks anyway .

Final thoughts

If a woman says "Yeah , I sucked a bunch of dicks last night" how many dicks do you think she's talking about ballpark ? I mean two of three seems like a lot to me , but I don't have a good frame of reference .
0 Comments
The Spendiforous Story of Sad Sack (A Tale In 3 Acts)
Posted:Feb 14, 2012 4:37 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:24 pm
62527 Views

Act 1 - One if by land , two if by slighter longer land route

The other day I was chatting up a nice your lady here in the Horny.net universe and she was heard to remark "Hey 40 , what is it you're after anyway ?" After a probably too long explanation of why I don't care for the term friends with benefits , I said that's pretty much what I'm looking for . So far so good . Then I went on to say "honestly , at this point I don't even care about the with benefits part anymore , I just want a friend" . Mother of mercy , why did I just say that ?! Nothing like a little desperation to drive the ladies away huh ? Needless to say it didn't go down so smoove . After a pregnant pause (the only kind of pregnancy I hope to be involved in) she said ,

"Dude that makes you sound like a total sad sack ."

Kudos for dredging up an old chestnut like sad sack , but man that's a slap in the sack (and not the good kind) . I can't blame her , that's pretty pathetic . Sometimes I wish I could follow my own advice - honesty is a great policy , but keeping your god damn mouth shut can work even better . Tales of weal and woe rarely get the ladies ready to go as my grandpappy used to say . And if a girl was turned on by your loneliness you should probably run far away from her .

Act 2 - Do not go gentle into that good humor truck

And that was just the warning shot ! Next up , I'm at work , heading down to the gym over my lunch break , when I see a very fetching lass wearing an ROH wrestling t-shirt . I was gobsmacked , you could have knocked me over with a light feather with your off-hand . The chances of seeing anyone wearing an ROH shirt are sliiiiiiiiiiiim , and the chances of seeing a fetching lass wearing ? A statistical impossibility ! I had to go talk to her - this was a once in a lifetime opportunity .

And that is a big deal for me , I'm not the kind of dude who just goes up to women (or anyone) and talks to them - with words no less ! But I did it boys and girls , I did the shit out of it . bad news , she has a boyfriend . Even worse news , it was his shirt - she didn't even know what ROH was . Hopes ? Deleted . Dreams ? File not found . It was a crushing defeat on par with the battle of Agincourt . Morale was low .

But things were about to turn around

Act 3 - The Lion, the Witch, and the IKEA Aspelund Underbed Storage Box

Why you ask ? How you query ? Because I said so ! According to a car commercial I saw once adversity does not crush us , it brings out the best in us . And if you can't trust a car commercial then there's no hope for any of us . Setbacks ? Ha ! Reversals of fortune ? Pishaw ! I say opportunities ! I will not bow my head , I will face the future with a proud upturned jaw , majestic hard nipples , and taut stalwart buttocks . Look out world , 40deuce is coming to get you ! Lock up what you still want to own , and take a last lick of your ice cream cone ! Because as they say , whatever doesn't kill you simple makes you , stranger .
0 Comments

To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.

August 2019
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
        1
 
2
 
3
1
4
 
5
 
6
 
7
 
8
 
9
 
10
 
11
 
12
 
13
 
14
 
15
 
16
 
17
 
18
 
19
 
20
 
21
 
22
 
23
 
24
 
25
 
26
 
27
 
28
 
29
 
30
 
31