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| Blogs > Drinkurwater > Just Avoiding Life. |
Impatience And Destiny Walk Into A Bar...
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Impatience And Destiny Walk Into A Bar... First let preface this post with a link to a song I've had on my playlists for about a month or two now. For awhile it wasn't directed anyone in particular, then after a bit it was directed a couple of my friends. Now - damn, I just don't understand how I end up in these situations. Anyway, rapper Lucidious's "Waiting For You" is linked here but now I can't remember why it was relevant so let me think about that...: ://youtu.be/ygfCmiwmg Right, so I remember, which should have been obvious to me - it a lack of sleep in conjunction with experimenting with a new substance (another post, I swear!). Remember how I slid into three FWB situations, telling them all that no feelings, only sex, and friendships were the requirements? Now that down to one, a relationship with someone I consider my best friend, things have gotten complex despite the simplicity. How simple can a FWB/BFF/BF relationship be when ours is none of them at all? How simple is it to feel that you belong with or to someone when you're both on the same ridiculously confusing page? How complex is it when you're both going through breakups, self growth, addictions, recoveries, and a change of life in general? When another person understands you so accurately and responds to your passive/assertive demeanor without the aggression swung at you from the last relationship, then which is it? Easy or hard? If it isn't the right time, or maybe the right place, or right person (someone years my junior? How can this work besides never running of movies and music to introduce him to?) then why am I so convinced it is the right everything? I know I told another FWB a couple weeks ago, "I fall in love with everyone I meet, like a dog," and first that's what I attributed this attraction to - my ability to love everyone. My brain puts on its blinders and tells my heart that free to love, be loved, and handle love no matter my intentions. Fortunately that was the point of my FWB arrangements - I put it plainly and sternly that it was just sex, and almost arrogantly I said, "Just don't love me," but it was a true concern. My love for everything and everyone can come across as intense and personal, which it is. But I feel it for all of them and I didn't want them to get the idea that this was True Love. It might have been for me - I told them, "When you're here, yours. When you go the front door, mine." It was a safety net just as much for them as for . Love... the strange and varied history with this feeling is worth a in itself. I think My Path in life is to give and have as much love as possible. I used to think it was to Help People, or to be a Fixer. A couple weeks ago, I realized it wasn't to fix someone or something in each situation. It was just to Love. Be unconditional, objective, and happy. No matter the situation or person, be happy and be in love - with myself, with the spring weather, with that cloud floating a little lower than the others. Whatever I came across, find something or someone to love. This is easy for me, and to be optimistic is natural to me. I've learned people have fixed themselves while I went on just trying to love. I've learned people have become happier, more stable, restless, braver, so many things - not because I was trying to help them, or help myself, but because I love. Nothing happened because of me. Things happen because of love, or happiness, or a drive to succeed. Things happen because of how we stride through life, tiptoes or stomps or shuffles. Things happen because of our feelings and emotions and ideas and dreams. Things happen because of our actions, but never because of us. People don't simply change the world. Love and hope and fear and sadness and happiness change the world. Who are we to be so self important that we think we can control destiny - and on that note who are we to try and push the timeline into something that fits our lives? "Wait," I said, "We'll wait until we can handle a relationship in a healthy and adult way." My FWB agreed, and so we do wait. We wait while we spend our nights together and our days together. We wait while we laugh, and cry, and grocery shop, and watch 90s cult classics together. We wait while we pretend we don't already have this relationship. The universe doesn't wait for us, the universe already put us together. The universe laughs while we think we say we'll be patient, and destiny smirks when we kiss goodbye. I think accidentally jumped while still judging the distance. Let's see how far I fall. |
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