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Husband & wife ! 9/5/2010
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect. ...
6 Comments, 244 Views,
23 Votes
,3.71 Score
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Check for Alzheimer's ! 9/3/2010
The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without
making a mistake.
The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is ...
5 Comments, 144 Views,
13 Votes
,1.13 Score
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Happy woman ! 9/2/2010
A woman in her fifties is at home, naked, happily jumping
on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I
don't care what you think. I just came from having a
mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I ...
2 Comments, 177 Views,
16 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Quickie in the Bushes ! 9/2/2010
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for ...
1 Comments, 130 Views,
11 Votes
,1.67 Score
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the earring 9/2/2010
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker,
Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker
to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about
his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, " he yells out, "I didn't
know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's
only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.
"No ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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in the beginning.... 9/1/2010
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What’s the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious
comedic snake, but I’m just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to ...
2 Comments, 117 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Paper Bag 8/28/2010
Two guys were in a bar arguing whos wife was the ugliest.
 This went on for some time, until finally they told each
other to prove it./:>
So they leave the bar and go to one of the guys house. Guy walks in and says "Honey Im Home"
Wife walks in and yes she was ugly and husband says to the
other guy "see I told you she was ugly" Other
guy says "OMG" YOUR RIGHT ...
5 Comments, 239 Views,
16 Votes
,2.69 Score
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The $2.99 Special ! 8/25/2010
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors'
special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast
for $2.99.
'Sounds good, ' my wife said. 'But I don't
want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're
ordering a la carte, ' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.
...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Senior Love ! 8/25/2010
An elderly senior couple was invited to an old friend's
home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way
her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with
endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love. While the husband was
in the living room, her ...
1 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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big vacation 8/24/2010
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always
dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able
to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each
time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy
bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for
about a year. After that time, they decided that there was
enough money for their ...
2 Comments, 101 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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the nympho 8/24/2010
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're
not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac
in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out!
Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light
is off, so she won't know you're not me!"
His friend agrees and goes out to his car.
They climb into the back seat and start going at it.
A few ...
1 Comments, 170 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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out to lunch 8/24/2010
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away)
suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and
under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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gun shopping 8/24/2010
A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman
if he could help her pick out a rifle. Its for my husband, she
explains.
Did he tell you what caliber to get? asks the salesman.
Are you kidding? He doesnt even know Im gonna shoot him.
2 Comments, 110 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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The genie ! 8/16/2010
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent
to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now
we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked ...
4 Comments, 177 Views,
20 Votes
,3.38 Score
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big johnnie 7/31/2010
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I
won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in ...
3 Comments, 180 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
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a womans touch 7/31/2010
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey,
I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy
and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
3 Comments, 188 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
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the hen pecked hillbilly 7/31/2010
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always
complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when
he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch
in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a ...
2 Comments, 156 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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once again....communication is key... 7/31/2010
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home
in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No, " he said, "I mean what is the foundation
of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, "
she responded.
"I mean, " he ...
2 Comments, 130 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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the chairman of the board 7/31/2010
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's
wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary
sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion,
gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue
to operate this office with just one chair."
3 Comments, 135 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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the story of john smith... 7/31/2010
A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter,
"Would it be possible for me to get together with my
dear departed husband? He died many years ago." Saint
Peter asks, "What's his name?" "John Smith, " replies the woman.
"Gee, " says Saint Peter, "we've
got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify
people by their last words. Do you happen to remember ...
2 Comments, 135 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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30 years of marriage 7/31/2010
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way
for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving ...
2 Comments, 129 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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final answer 7/31/2010
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting
very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His
wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
2 Comments, 117 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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a quote from oscar wilde 7/31/2010
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
2 Comments, 55 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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about men 7/31/2010
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and
it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something you'd want to have with
dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have
enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take
them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are ...
2 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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needy? 7/31/2010
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she
isn't there the first time you need him, chances are
you won't be needing him again.
2 Comments, 51 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Aging ! 7/26/2010
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so
I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class
for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards
on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the ...
3 Comments, 112 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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You know you're a okie when.... 7/26/2010
1. You take your for a walk and you both use the same
tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with
a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they
don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
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a day at dollar general 7/23/2010
THE OTHER DAY MY GIRL, CLOTERRA, CALLED ME AND ASK ME TO COME
TO HER JOB. SO I WENT TO DOLLAR GENERAL WHERE SHE WORKS. IT'S
KIND OF AN OUT OF THE WAY STORE AND FEW PEOPLE COME THERE BEFORE
2PM. I WENT IN AND SHE WAS AT THE REGISTER. SHE HAD ON A LONG BROWN
SKIRT AND A WHITE BLOUSE. NOW CLOTERRA HAS VERY WIDE FLARING
HIPS, YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN. SHE DIDN'T HEAR ME OR SEE ME COME ...
5 Comments, 143 Views,
8 Votes
,1.39 Score
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... a joke from a TV program 7/15/2010
The other day, I walked into the flat and found my girlfriend
having sex with an old friend I knew ages ago ....
But do you know what the worst thing was?
...
I couldn't remember his name!
0 Comments, 45 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Grandma Still Drives! 7/14/2010
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives
her own car.
She writes,
Dear Grand-,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I ...
3 Comments, 121 Views,
14 Votes
,4.42 Score
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